Thursday, August 22, 2013

Sad Plus Artsy

I'm a depressive. I have some other bits and pieces of crazy to deal with, but mostly my mental illness manifests itself as good ol' debilitating depression. I take medication for it--specifically Effexor, at the moment--and my pills help a lot. But they don't do everything; I have to consciously put in work in order to keep getting healthier. I try to use the energy boost that I get from my medication to engage in activities that help me feel good about myself and about living.

In addition being mentally ill, I am an artist. It's hard for me to say that without caveats. I would rather call myself "an aspiring artist" or "an artistic type", because I feel like I don't deserve the unapologetic version of the label. But I am an artist. Any person who makes art is an artist, and I make art. It's that simple. It is okay--in fact, it is awesome--for me to acknowledge that my creative efforts are valid.

Anyway, these two aspects of my life are interdependent. My mood affects my ability and desire to make art, and the reverse is true as well. When I'm feeling really depressed, I don't want to do anything creative, and I usually don't have the willpower to force myself. On the other hand, when I'm in a good mood, I tend to be productive. Both situations involve positive feedback loops--or, as we layfolk call 'em, "vicious circles". (Although apparently the good version of a vicious circle is called a "virtuous circle"--thanks, Wikipedia!)

Having noticed this about myself, I want to use the knowledge to work on improving my mental health. I intend to cultivate a "virtuous circle" of creative self care.

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