Mom, Dad, you probably shouldn't read this post. (Yes, my parents read my blog(s).) At best it will be a bummer, and it seems highly possible that it could hurt your feelings. Honestly, no one should read this post, since it's rambling and vague, and therefore probably not very interesting.
I feel sad to see my sister going through things that are similar to experiences that scarred me when I was her age. I am not casting aspersions on our parents, or at least I'm not trying to--it is unreasonable to expect people to be perfect, and being a parent seems incredibly hard. Being a kid is also incredibly hard, but in a more passive way. You have a lot less responsibility. I do tend to side with the children in family conflicts, because I view having kids as a fundamentally selfish and immoral thing to do. (That seems to be an unpopular or at least uncommon opinion, and obviously I don't hate everyone who has kids; there are many different situations in which people have children, etc.)
It's also very stressful/upsetting for there to be family turmoil going on. Upsetting to me, I mean. Of course it's waaay less stressful than if I were directly involved in said turmoil, but the tension still bums me out. Also, I don't want to talk about this with other members of my family, because I don't want to make their struggles all about ME ME ME, you know? I fear that I have a tendency to do that, and it's something I want to suppress. But I do have lots of feelings, and I need to express them in some manner, so I'm writing this prosaic, wordy blog about it.
I feel ruined by experiences from my youth, dating back to before I remember and ending around age seventeen. Nothing after that has particularly marked me in a negative way, at least not that I'm aware of. The therapeutic work I've done since then (with the help of professionals) has been HUGELY helpful, but that's kind of a different phenomenon. But obviously I'm not "cured", since if I were totally mentally healthy, I wouldn't use words like "ruined" as self-descriptors.
Going back to my initial point: I'm terrified that my sister will deal with the same fallout and misery that I did/do. I feel anxious to try and prevent that (as if I could). Though it is to accept or even entertain, I realize intellectually that I am not responsible for her happiness or the health of her and my parents' relationship(s) with each other. At the same time, I feel that if I can possibly protect her, I should. But you can't protect someone from the strain of life and the tragic miscommunications that inevitably happen interpersonally. Everyone has to go through that, simply by virtue of being a human who relates to other humans. I can do my best to be sympathetic, respectful, and kind to all parties involved, but realistically that is all I can do. I think.
Now another piece of my incoherent angst is saved for posterity! Hooray!
No comments :
Post a Comment