I don't have it all figured out. They keep telling me that it's okay to be unsure of the future. It's okay to be confused, and to mess up. I'm learning to believe; I'm trying to believe.
My therapist tells me, "When you were a little baby, you deserved love, simply because all little babies deserve love. If a person learns self-worth from early childhood care, it makes a tremendous difference." Well, I must not have learned. I wasn't paying attention in class. She presents the paradigm now and I like it, but it doesn't feel true. My therapist is so kind and earnest. I wish she could pass her faith to me, the way she passes me the tissues when I do a bad job of suppressing tears.
I have bug bites on my forearms and lower legs, from Oregonian mosquitoes. I can't stop scratching them, so they're getting hot and swollen. Of course, the bites don't itch less. Intuitive logic says, scratch the itch and it will go away. In reality, irritated skin gets more irritated when you drag your fingernails over it. The poison is massaged into a greater area.
Enjoy what you have. That's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteI was 23 years old and depressed. I kept chasing after different ideas and different experiences. Then both my parents died in the same year. I am now 25, paying a mortgage to curate my mothers house. My dad died in such a way that I had to help him use the restroom the last few days.
I look back on when I was depressed when I was 22. And now I think "that was the best time of my life!"
Enjoy what you have. You wont have it forever.
I'm sorry that you had/are having such a hard time. I do try to enjoy the present. Thank you for sharing!
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