Flowers Again

Can't stop or won't stop? Regardless of which, I have too many garden pictures.

Trying To Stay Financially Calm

// $1 download //

[redacted]

The family budget will have to shrink, and belt-tightening can unsettle one's sense of security. Of course, I am fantastically privileged (fiscally and otherwise) in comparison to most people, but my emotional experience doesn't necessarily reflect that. Change often has this effect, at least on me.

Last night I was thinking about ways to save money. Less travel, which I don't mind. Not eating out as much--that gives me a pang, since I love our local restaurants, but it's not so bad. The thought that really shakes me is giving up my therapist. She charges $150/hour and I see her once a week: the sum ascends to $600/month. That's equivalent to my entire income.

Treatment would be cheaper if I switched to a Kaiser therapist, since we already pay for the health insurance, and copays are usually just $20. But I feel like this therapist, this specific woman, has added a lot of value to my life. She's been helping me be healthier. What if I leave her and all of my progress falls apart?

I am so fatalistic. At least my mom reassured me that I can keep living with them. And my dad explained the rundown of expenses: our most significant costs were things like food and automotive upkeep.

It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. There is no need to panic about this.

// $3.45 sticker //

// $14 print //

4/23/2014

It feels luxurious to linger in a cafe, sipping my latte and reading a thrilling book. Of course, the ritual is self-indulgent, but not in a way that I react to with guilt. After all, why not indulge the good parts of me? I like the inner aesthete, and the story-seeker.

// Robert Couse-Baker //

This morning my dad asked me what my plans are for college. My head filled with a familiar pressure. I can't do it. And I don't know what to do. I've heard the spiel so many times, about why I should get a degree. I understand it. Maybe I don't think it's necessary, but I understand why it's useful. The thing is, I'm not convinced that I can do it. There's no evidence that I can do it.

I can't satisfy my parents. I can't be an adult. Who put my name on this list? Why am I signed up for this?

Fear Faces

Collage by Joana Coccarelli, described as "gemini" and "the zodiac attack".



Revised bookcover, I assume incorporating a self-portrait, by Angel Breton.



Untitled sculpture by Roger Hiorns. Photos by dun_deagh on Flickr: 1 & 2.

You Cannot Stop Me

I have so many rules for myself. Even when my goal is to lessen my own stress, I set rules: Don't pick at your face. Don't strip your cuticles. Approach exercise mindfully. When anxiety besets you, stop and wait, because the feeling will pass.

If I break one of the rules, if my state of mind fails to be optimally healthy, then I chastise myself. Which doesn't necessarily push me in a positive direction. It reinforces my absurd self-hatred, and the sense that I shouldn't even try because I will always be a disappointment.

// Quinn Dombrowski //

But really, I feel like I'm getting better and better. Today I am more balanced and sane than a week ago, and so on. Progress is scary. The more functional I am, the more I have to lose.

There are some indulgences that I cling to, like binge-watching TV. When I was suicidal in my little dorm room at Reed, I watched episode after episode of Malcolm in the Middle, stewing in misery, ready to break when touched. I remember sitting in that square "modern" chair, facing my desk, with my arms around my knees.

It's different now. I'm different. Things inside of me have moved. It's taken mountains to move them, if you know what I mean. Small knots that I've been clutching for years needed glacial shifts to start unraveling. The metaphor doesn't make sense, but I hope you understand anyway. I feel tender, like a bruise.

Another Pet Picture

This is my dog. Marcus the dirty-mouthed and adorable. So fluffy, and so desperately in need of a bath! He can be an irritating creature, but I love him very much.

Sunbunnies

The black-and-white chubby fluff-lump is Panda. She's the second cutest of our rabbits, but my first favorite. I like that she's crotchety and cautious. You could even call her contrary. Her partner, Rudy, is the opposite. Very rambunctious and enthusiastic. And he's much fluffier: