Freedom On This Canvas

I've been having a really hard time for the past few days. This Bob Ross remix helped a little bit, as did these two Mister Rogers remixes: "Garden of Your Mind" and "Sing Together". Thanks to those videos, I'm in a place where I can write about how I'm feeling.

In "Sing Together", Mister Rogers says, "It's so important to feel good." That's true, but today I'm not even looking for a way to feel good. What I need is a way to feel okay. Just okay--that's enough. Hopefully being okay means moving toward "good", but that's a secondary goal to simple stability.

Yesterday I wanted to die, or at least to have never existed. On a one-to-ten scale of suicidality, with one being "the thought crossed my mind briefly" and ten being "I'm currently jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge", I stood at about a six. I was turning over different methods in my mind, berating myself for not being brave enough to carry my potential plans.

I was also really angry at my parents for bringing me into the world. That anger is always there to some extent, but yesterday it bloomed into full rage. That happens sometimes.

I feel a lot of guilt and obligation toward my parents: Guilt about the burden I place on them, both financially and in terms of emotional energy. Obligation to be "successful", as a good student and yuppie-in-training. But I also feel tremendous anger that I'm in this situation--being alive and owing them so much--without my consent. I didn't agree to be born; I certainly didn't ask for it! Of course, there's no way a human being that didn't yet exist could consent to anything, and I think that's a good argument against having children at all.

As things are, I exist, and I'm someone who can't actually kill herself, as much as I may fantasize about it. So I have to figure out how to cope with my life as best I can. There are good parts--believe it or not, there are things that I enjoy: food, cuddling with Nick, my bunnies, etc. I just feel like the misery outweighs the joy. There seems to be so much more of it.