Notes On Depression

[Trigger warning for self harm.]

Depression is sinking horizontally through air instead of walking.

Depression is the blood in my mouth; I'm sucking on my finger because I picked at it too hard and it started leaking.

Depression is the buzzing sensation that fills up my eyes after enough hours in front of a screen.

Depression is cup after cup of hot chocolate; drinking it when it's too sweet, drinking the dark grit at the bottom, drinking and staring at my fingers on the keyboard. I gulp my cocoa. My tongue is thick.

Depression is agonizing over my responsibilities for hours, but only touching them for minutes.

Depression is not knowing the meaning of "keen interest"; not knowing the meaning of "keen" at all. The only things that are sharp are the things I do to myself.

Depression is knowing what to do, how to do it, and remembering having done it before, but still just melting like cheap glue.

Depression is finding small ways to destroy myself. Depression is feeling ashamed that I've never sliced my wrists, or truly ruined anything. Depression is wishing that my big burn scar hadn't faded.

Depression is liking the thought of torn fingers but being offended that the blood hurts when it comes out.