Processing

I have trouble using the phrase "mentally ill" to talk about myself. I definitely think about myself that way. And I demonstrably qualify: I've had significant periods of dysfunction due to depression. I've engaged in unhealthy aberrant behavior. (Not that all aberrant behavior is unhealthy, but mine was.) I'm on fairly intense psych meds.

And yet, even when talking to my therapist, I hesitate to describe myself as "mentally ill". I secretly worry that someone will jump in and scoff, "No you're not! You're just not trying hard enough. Everyone copes with these feelings, but the difference is that they actually cope."

Intellectually, I understand that this is nonsense. My rational mind knows that. But emotionally, I regard myself as weak and a failure for "giving in", for being lazy.

I try to push back on that. By being kind to myself. Celebrating my small successes: I made cookies the day before yesterday! I walk the dog often! I took pictures for an outfit post! And I need to acknowledge that my struggles are struggles, regardless of how they compare to other people's experiences.

I had a really good therapy session yesterday. I dread going to therapy, because it's hard, but I usually feel better afterward. I wish I could remember everything that we talked about, so I could write it all down. But it's okay to not tackle everything at once. I don't need to have all my mental health stuff fully organized right away--or ever. It's a process. It's a process. It's a process.