I'm seriously considering taking classes again this summer, but I'm scared. My college experience has definitely had some high points, but also some nosedive lows. I came home from Reed in 2012 because I was suicidal. My most recent academic attempt ended when I dropped out after a couple of weeks because I needed a tonsillectomy--but also because of the depression. I've mentioned before that I have an all-or-nothing attitude toward any accomplishment: either I'm the best, or I'm nothing. In high school, I was the best. In college, I have been nothing. Of course, that's a very unhealthy and skewed way to look at things. Rationally, I realize that. But it's hard to translate logical understanding into emotional acceptance.
I'm starting to dabble again in learning for its own sake, researching because I'm truly interested, and that feels so good. There are subjects that I want to pursue in a structured environment: marketing, for example. But I still can't face the idea of taking a lab science and doing group projects.
My mom says, "Just take one class." She suggests that we visit expensive artsy places. I want my dad to retire soon; I'm not tryna saddle him with $50,000/year payments. There's no way in hell that I'm going into personal debt.
"Why don't you? Yes, but--" has always been my favorite interpersonal power game. I look for excuses not to do things that are uncertain because I feel safer when I don't try, when I refuse risk. The cost-benefit analysis tells me to avoid the possibility of being nothing.
I have a similar attitude about school as well. I have a really high GPA because if I ever get anything less than an A, I consider that a failure. It's terrible but being able to accept that you won't always be perfect is a difficult thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the reluctance to do anything that involves groups. Then I took Small Group Communications class. While it didn't make the group experience any more fun to me, I was forced to work with other people who have way different ways of being productive/not being productive than me. Maybe you could try taking a class like that? I took it because it was a GER.
I don't know your entire situation, but I think it's always worth a try if it means you get to do something different and learn from it!
I appreciate the solidarity, Danielle! General education requirements = hell. But if you got through it, maybe I can too ~
Deleteoh wow, I saw this linked earlier but did not realize it was to your other blog. so maybe disregard that grade comment I left. that is very much my mentality, i want the grade to get the grade & have it count toward my gpa, but my hubs is a very very meticulous, sometimes obsessive studier, which unfortunately, we just decided, means that we dont think he will ever pursue the phD we thought he'd maybe do someday because neither of us can handle 5+ more yrs of him studying like he did these past years. well, another reason is he's already 29 and we both need to work for a few yrs to pay off debt from living abroad but sorry, i ramble off topic & talk too much about myself it seems. i'm sorry to hear you had such rough experiences in college, not that that really helps anything, but it's impressive how much you opened up about it - i def admire that.
ReplyDeleteI like that you share your own experience! It helps to know that other people are connecting and have had experiences that they struggle with too.
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