My dog is getting old. I imagine that his bones ache and let him know when rain is coming, being just as aged as that cliche. He slows down near the end of a walk. If I've taken him too far, he starts limping (cheerfully) before we can even see my house again.
I love him much more now that it's evident that we'll lose him soon. I was an indifferent pet-owner when I was younger. Now I enjoy talking to him in playful growls and curling up with him on the rug. I only mind the doggy smell when it gets really bad. The incessant barking still gets on my nerves, but my general affection for him can override the annoyance. This is even true when he wanders through a door that shouldn't have been left open and pees on my carpet. I can't blame him for his powerful instincts and weak will.
My dog is always happy to see me. He is easy to please and forgiving of human faults (e.g. tripping over him). He is never duplicitous. He is always kind. In fact, the concepts of kindness and cruelty simply don't need to exist in Marcus' worldview. He is simple, and easy to understand.
I wonder if I would enjoy having a boyfriend with a doglike personality. Docile, except where food is concerned, and ever attentive? Probably not. I can't stay interested in someone if I'm convinced that they're interested in me. It is perturbing. I should be able to conceive of X feeling about me the way I feel about him, but it seems impossible. My self-judgment precludes that.
What if I could believe it? Would we still be together then? Historically, emotional security has bored me.
Sometimes as a joke X will pretend to be a dog. He'll pant, and be SUPER ENTHUSIASTIC, and lick my face until I laugh and push him away. It's adorably goofy. I like scratching behind his ears and asking, "Who's a good boy?" He goes, "Is it me? Is it?" I am glad that he will joke around and be silly like that. Petting him is fun. He keeps his hair very short, so rubbing his scalp is like stroking prickly velvet.
It's a joke because X doesn't have a canine personality at all. I don't know if I'd call him feline either, but by his own description he's petty and passive aggressive, much more catlike qualities. Somewhat aloof, and self-sufficient.
I am in the process of falling back in love with him.
When my dog inevitably dies, it'll be heartbreaking. I can anticipate the wailing of loss inside me. It's a kind of disbelief. "This really happened," it says, "and to me?" Then I will settle into a dog-less life.
how interesting. Jonny def has a more doglike personality, and i am more catlike. sometimes i'll say, leave me alone little puppy, but as a joke. I enjoyed hearing about X's playful side here. i loved my childhood cat so much when we first got her but grew apart from her through HS & college, so when we had to put her down i was pretty apathetic, she was old and it was time. w/ our little kitties now though, i feel so attached i even bawled and called my mom crying when Mr. Mango escaped & was outside all night. Jonny & I still cry over little Ole sometimes, and I know it won't make it any easier, but I hope knowing it'll be your pup's time will give you peace in it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, he's a goofball! I love it. & it does help to know that he's had a good life and enjoyed it very much. Pets really become part of your heart, don't they? Your kitties seem so sweet, and maybe I'm a sentimentalist but I like to think that Ole is still with you all in spirit.
DeleteJonny is very sentimental too and the other day, well maybe like month, he said he thought maybe Ole died so we could get Mango, since Mango is even sweeter to Lila than Ole, who was sure sweet to her too. I still think someday we'll adopt a little black fluffball kitty and it'll be Ole back to live with us again.. or i hope anyway. i have had to accept that if he comes back it'll be in the right time and it'll be obvious to us, not me scouring the humane society website looking for him, which i admit i was doing for a bit after he died and i know, sounds really crazy and obsessive.
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