I think about supporting myself, not being taken care of by my parents, and I can barely fathom it. My mind immediately goes to, "Who else can I find to look after me?" I have to reassure myself that some man would want to support me. Maybe I'll be that girl who gets handed off straight from her father to her husband.
Independence just seems impossible. It's a nice daydream--for instance, I like thinking about how I'd decorate my theoretical future kitchen--but when I consider it as a possible reality, I get so anxious. I can feel the beginnings of panic in my throat.
I mean, I can't handle the idea of maintaining a job. How does that work? What do you do when you're depressed and all you can manage is watching copious amounts of television?
I can't even keep up normal relationships with people. My "friendships" are waning connections that I don't bother to try to renew. For the most part I'm not even interested in them. When I can muster enough interest and energy to arrange to meet up with someone, it's gone by the time the day rolls around, and I flake out.
I'd love to stop existing. I don't want to kill myself--I don't have the guts, anyway--I just want to go out like a dead light bulb. No presence.
On a lighter note, I got these things done today: Drove my sister around a lot. Went to class. Fed, walked, and washed the dog; gave him a haircut. Did a photoshoot and wrote a blog post for my fashion blog. Did some reading for my online class.
I wouldn't characterize those activities as "productive", because I didn't literally produce anything, but "useful" is accurate.
I wouldn't characterize those activities as "productive", because I didn't literally produce anything, but "useful" is accurate.
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