The Unbanishable Feeling

[This is a quite negative post, so be warned.]

I can feel myself getting depressed. As I sit here writing this, I can feel it happening. The world is swelling before me, and I am shrinking, drying out. (I've always liked the word "desiccated".) Funny how your perspective can shift: one minute everything is regular, and then you're tiny and your context is very large, and it's altogether too much to handle. Yes, that's how I feel.

In less than two hours, I'm supposed to leave for a class that I don't technically have to attend. Basically, the choice is between "stay home and feel depressed" or "go out and get anxious". I hate my brain. I hate that I can be full of energy and inspiration in the morning, but quickly slip into agonizing semi-apathy and fatigue during the afternoon. I can't rely on myself, and of course no one else should rely on me either.

I'm supposed to finish two years of community college and then transfer to a prestigious local university. That's the general plan. I'm smart enough to get into that university, in the sense that I can achieve whatever test scores I need and write a good admissions essay. But my academic history is such a trainwreck: left high school early to go to Reed, left Reed after a month on supposed medical leave, took barely any classes at community college for several semesters, dropped more classes than she took, practically...

I'm not even sure that I want to go to college. I feel like I'm wasting my parents' money by aimlessly taking classes, even though community college is relatively cheap. I don't really want to go to school, but I don't want to work at any accessible or profitable job. I just want to blog and do artsy stuff and live at home and never be a grownup. God, I'm so spoiled.

I'm not trying hard enough. That's the unbanishable feeling: when I fail, it's because I'm lazy. The times when I have failed in the past, that was why. When I fail in the future, that will be the reason. I am so weak-natured.