Garden Shots & Torporous Education

I don't think I will ever get tired of taking flower photos. It surely has not happened yet. I end up deleting most of them eventually, but for now...



I got very frustrated in class today, because I was so bored. It was an amorphous, targetless kind of frustration. The teacher was just doing his job, going over the content methodically and explaining concepts with examples. I did the assigned reading, and I get things quickly, so I already knew all of the stuff he was talking about. Sitting there for three hours felt like such a waste of time.

Anxious Mania

I had bad dreams--a remix of Bones with melted colors; serves me right for watching TV late at night--and woke up itchy with sweat. I silenced four alarms intended to prevent me from sleeping in long enough to feel crummy. 8am. 8:05am. 8:10am. 8:15am. Always my own worst enemy, like anybody is. I wasn't sure if I had missed my dose yesterday but I must have 'cause the jitters and heat encased my brain. This morning I bolted bitter tea and handfuls of baby carrots. Mixed coffee into my "Super Irish Breakfast" to mellow it; drank too many weak-but-potent mugs.

To kill the caffeine, I ran with the neighbor's dog, or at least made an attempt. She's more interested in nosing at plants, but will lope along next to me for a few stretches. The weather was misty but muggy so I dripped obscenely with sweat. When I showered I turned up the volume and let 70s hits pound the curtain (thanks, Pandora) and headbanged while brushing my teeth with the hope of forgetting myself. It was almost comical.

Here's what I say to myself now: Deal with the present. Check off the tasks on your list. Pretend there is no future to worry about it. Technically it's true--according to my understanding of time, the future doesn't exist yet. Just read your textbook and take your outfit photos and pretend that you feel like a person. Fake it till you make it, baby.

Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow

I'm not sure if this lady on the car ornament is an actual Playboy affiliate or just in the same vein. I'm lightweight offended by the whole thing, since I'm willing to bet that the person who drives this car is a man. But only lightweight offended because honestly I'd rather not bother about it.

I feel kinda bummed out and lumpish today. I don't know why. I've been reasonably productive: I did pet-care and went to class and fulfilled my daily writing quota. My remaining duties are about an hour of dog-walking, total, and feeding the bunnies and general household stuff. I have a pet-sitting interview at six. I will probably do an outfit post. None of that is arduous, and yet I'm dragging my heels.

My impulse is to try and explain my mood, but I suppose I don't have to. I can sit with it and remember that tomorrow is another day, trite as that is.

Quotes That Caught My Eye

From Mindwise by Nicholas Epley. What he's saying is that if we want to understand each other, we should just ask and listen to the answers. Intuition is powerful, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, being direct is easier and more accurate than making assumptions. I've been trying to implement this lesson in conversations with X, by sharing my feelings even when I find them confusing or don't think they're "justified".



This passage from Jack London's Call of the Wild is describing dog behavior, but I think it encapsulates the motivation behind most crimes, especially in disadvantaged areas. For instance, many drug-dealers in low-income neighborhoods are people who want to support their families financially, and see no other way to get ahead in life. When legitimate opportunities are withheld, desperate people turn away from the law and pursue illicit possibilities.

Blue & Gold Dusk

I'm amazed at the quality level I can achieve with just my phone and some very basic editing. The photography process is definitely hit-and-miss compared to using the DSLR, but it's still totally possible to make beautiful pictures. Low light precludes nothing.

The sun descended slowly. I was reading Call of the Wild on my Kindle app while walking the dog--multitasking, whattup--but I had to pause and look around me, and then attempt to capture what I was seeing. My eyes perceived much more than the phone's camera lens, but these snapshots are enough to hold the mood of the evening.

I find it viscerally satisfying to document my life. There's a good pang in my gut, like being stuffed after Thanksgiving dinner. I have a powerful impulse to share the sights and reflections that fill my mind. Blogging is almost compulsive. I require this practice.

Flowers & Pride

Today in my endless series, Random Neighborhood Nature Photos:



I don't actually like California poppies, except that they represent the state I love best. I dunno--they're just not especially appealing to me, from a purely aesthetic point of view. But I think the photo above is pretty cool, although the focus could be sharper.



Roses, on the other hand, are among my favorite flowers. I'm sure I've mentioned that before.

I'm proud of myself because I've been writing steadily, producing every day. I'm proud of myself because I went to my sociology class and enjoyed it, and didn't beat myself up too badly for contributing to the discussion contentiously. I'm proud of myself because I have been telling X when I feel vulnerable, sharing my worries about our relationship. I'm proud of myself because I got lost in Sphere and The Racketeer. I'm proud of myself because I'm not shaking with fear that being proud of myself will guarantee a fall.

Stymied Enthusiasm

My neighbor's dog Frida got REALLY excited when I walked by, on my way back from a ramble with a different neighbor's dog. Unfortunately photos can't illustration the drama, but she was yelping ferociously and pushing hard to get through the fence.

I know how it is, little one. Life is full of frustrating fences that you can see through but can't get through. My mom says that the world is essentially tragic, and her observation is true. It hurts when you think about the state of affairs too much. The solution is simple but difficult: cultivate joy where you can, and contribute to the larger picture by working on your local puzzle piece. I try.

Sometimes all I can do is handle myself, if that. But I haven't had a moment of giving up in months. The long haul seems doable.