I just had a friend get mad because I asked him to clarify that something he said wasn't a rape joke. I didn't ask very tactfully, and I think he felt like I was accusing him of being an Enforcer of Rape Culture or something like that. He told me he felt "shocked and hurt" that I found it necessary to check. Essentially, he was upset that I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he wanted my initial reaction to be, "This comment could be taken two ways, but he must mean it in the good way, because he's my friend and I trust him." That is what I thought, actually, but I had to have it confirmed.
My response was--and this is true--that I was looking for emotional reassurance. His comment upset me, as rape mentions often do, especially when their allegiances aren't clear. I wanted to hear him reaffirm that he was on my side, that he saw me as a valuable human being worthy of respect and love. Because when people make offhand jokes about rape, I feel very dehumanized. Luckily, it turned out that my friend wasn't making a rape joke--but I still got that feeling. I wanted him to comfort me. I didn't do a good job of communicating that.
Anyway, I was thinking about the whole thing some more, and I realized that I do tend to withhold the benefit of the doubt from men. Or rather, men get a lot less leeway. Asking my friend what he meant was the benefit of the doubt--if I actually thought he was vile, I would have cut him off immediately.
You see, in my experience, giving men the benefit of the doubt is dangerous. Not speaking up is dangerous. Ignoring little things that may be indicators of chauvinism--dangerous. Even if you think they're "good guys"; even if they're your friends. The only man I fully trust not to hurt or take advantage of me is my dad, and that's because I lucked out with him. Men just do not have a good track record, at least not in my past. I won't treat them like they do.
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