Today I had a telephone appointment about my upcoming tonsillectomy. The nurse asked me, "If your heart stops during the operation, do you want us to perform CPR?" I surprised myself by saying yes immediately. No hesitation.
Maybe if I had thought about it, I would have concluded that they should not resuscitate me. But I would have been too embarrassed to say that anyway. As it was, my knee-jerk reaction indicated that I must want to keep living.
The other day, my dad mentioned to me that doctors don't like to put people under general anaesthesia unless they have to, because it's somewhat risky. Complications can occur, and a very small percentage of people just don't wake up. Instead, they die. When he told me this, I thought, "That'd be great. Death without having to agonize over suicide? Sign me up!"
Yes, there have been many days when I would rather stop existing. But lately things have been good. I am capable of looking forward; I am capable of enjoying.
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